The Complete, Unexpurgated History of the Blog, Part 3

Olaf Blogg (right, in a picture often misidentified as comparatively unimportant Olaus Rudbeck) grew up as the son of an irritant merchant. Sven Blogg dealt extensively in additives which gave clothes the extra itchiness and irritation so favored in the late 17th century. When Tsar Peter the great of Russia learned of this trend, he exclaimed "Here I am sitting in my comfortable clothes while the people of the west are itching their way to glory!" Soon every man, woman, and child in Russia was scratching to point of insanity in their new itchy clothes. Peter himself would beat his beloved son to death for refusing to submit to the new irritating status quo. Afterwards, Peter stunned his court by declaring "Who else wants a piece of this?!" while beating his chest.

Tragically, Sven Blogg would not live to reap the rewards of the Tsar's typically flaky behavior: He would die in the tragic herring plague of 1682. Young Olaf was raised by his often neglectful mother, Britney, and he soon retreated to a world of his own thoughts.

As Olaf would later describe, "I have so many thoughts in my head. There just went one now--I wonder what would happen if you gave a cat a sword? Probably nothing, I guess." From, a very early age, Olaf began to catalogue these thoughts, and others even more profound, in his journals. He was able to gain easy access to writing material; at the beginning of his reign, Sweden's king, Charles XI, had declared "Reading and writing are for chumps." Consequently, literacy took a temporary downturn which would last until Charles' sudden, surprising death in 1697, when, defying all known laws of physics (which weren't many back then) a lightning bolt struck the king up the ass.

By the end off his teens, Olaf had filled up an entire room with his journals. Hundreds of volumes were filled; no incident in Olaf's day was too trivial from him to record. Take this entry, for example:

"February 13, 1689. My stomach's rumbling again. I wonder how long my toenails would get if I never cut them? I think tomorrow I'll write about my ten favorite places to visit in Eskilstuna. I think I'll also trace a copy of a very interesting woodcut I received recently. Also, I received some jokes from a friend in the mail that I'd like to copy down."

Truly, the world was changing with every stroke of his pen.

NEXT WEEK: Olaf realizes such insights into the world must be shared.

The Complete, Unexpurgated History of the Blog, Part 2

Olaf Blogg was born in a small home on the coast of Sweden in 1674, three hundred years before ABBA put Sweden on the map. Literally, in fact. Thanks to an astonishing cartographic error, Sweden was left off maps of Europe for centuries. The existence of the Scandanavian nation was considered a hot topic of debate, and several major battles fought by the Swedish army were dismissed as "fearmongering."

In 1974, ABBA keyboardist Benny Andersson (above, in a photo he no doubt regrets, courtesy Wikipedia) faced the indignity of hearing his group introduced at the Eurovision Song Contest as hailing from "the mythical land of Sweden, which may be the home of two-headed dogs, fish with legs, and giant blonde people." Knowing only the last was true, Andersson was mortified.

As ABBA's success grew, Andersson concocted a daring plan. Using his songwriting royalties, he financed an expedition to survey Sweden once and for all. Spending nearly every krona he had, he and his team spent seven years wandering through the deadly Swedish jungles, mapping every centimeter of land. By the end of his journey, only a few hardy souls had survived.

When he presented his finding to the UN, Andersson was roundly mocked. The ambassador from Atlantis described Andersson's findings as "laughable, and utterly ridiculous." Even Sweden's ambassador denounced the expedition as a hoax.

Despairing, Andersson turned to the only man with enough pull at the UN to make a difference. Fortunately, Tom Lester, tv's lovable Eb from Green Acres, was willing to help. After a few phone calls, UN Secretary General Javier Perez de Cuellar declared that Sweden had been found at last. Planes on route to Stockholm could now land, safe in the knowledge that their destination actually existed.

Oh yeah--Olaf Blogg. Sorry, got a little sidetracked there.

IN TWO WEEKS: Blogg--the man, maybe the myth, but the misplacing will have to wait.

The Complete, Unexpurgated History of the Blog, Part 1

The blog. From Boston to Bulawayo, from Tokyo to Tunis, everyone these days has a blog. Even in Arkansas, there have been reports, albeit unconfirmed, of blogging. But, where did blogging begin? How did it come to sweep the earth, and possibly Mars? What does the future hold for the blog? I'm no psychic, so don't even try asking me that last question. However, I just might answer the first two in this exhaustive history that chronicles the beginnings of the phenomenon that, according to some reputable astrologers, may herald the beginning of the final age of humanity!

According to Wikipedia, the odd fellow pictured above was the one of the earliest bloggers. Once again, the online encyclopedia's credibility must be questioned. Not only does the blog predate this guy's birth, it predates the computer itself! Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "the telegraph, Samuel Morse, 'What hath God wrought?'" and all that nonsense. I'm sorry to say, you're wrong again - the blog is even older than that. Don't feel bad, it's an easy mistake.

Blog-like forms of communication have existed as long as the human race: cave paintings, Egyptian hieroglyphics, and Athenian erotic graffiti all point the way toward the blog. But the birth of the blog as we know it is intertwined with the dawn of the Enlightenment in Europe. For those who aren't familiar with the term, "The Enlightenment" was the period in which people began to see the best way to achieve progress was through synergy with corporate sponsors.

In the early 17th century, the Catholic Church promoted Galileo's new invention, the telescope, with a cooked-up heresy trial. The resulting controversy spurred sales of telescopes to a public who had previously paid the night sky no attention. It proved to be a lucrative partnership for both Galileo and the Church.

A few decades later, in England, Isaac Newton's discovery of the law of gravity was promoted through a tie-in deal with the Duke of Jobs' apple farms. The Duke spread the story that Newton made his discovery after being hit on the head with a fresh Jobs apple. The Duke recieved such a large windfall from his investment that he put Newton to work on a project developing a so-called "iPod" - a new type of seed pod, of course. The project was a dismal failure.

Into this climate of geniuses working hand-in-glove with big business, a unique figure was born. From his modest home on the southern tip of Sweden, Olaf Blogg would forever change the way we communicate. Well, it wouldn't actually change until three centuries later, but the groundwork was laid here. In Sweden. By Olaf Blogg. Trust me.

NEXT WEEK : The Man, the Myth, the Misplacing.